Dear married people in the church,
Please stop telling single people in the church that someday they will meet a really special person. It's awkward and we don't know what to say, so we usually just nod and smile.
Please stop trying to set us up with your single nieces and nephews and grandchildren and sons and daughters and neighbors and cousins and coworkers and uncles and aunts and god children and barbers and insurance agents and mechanics and personal trainers and bankers and hair stylists and car salesmen and neighbor's uncle's mailmen.
Please stop telling us not to worry, that it'll happen when we least expect it. That you can't believe that we are single. That it's okay to be single, it's really okay. That you had a friend who was single for a really long time, and then she met the most wonderful and godly gentleman. That you're praying for our future spouse and that you just know that it's going to be a really amazing person because good things come to those who wait, after all. That you need volunteers to serve for the couples Valentine's Day celebration and you immediately thought of us.
Just... no.
Stop.
I believe that you say these things because you love us. I think you make these comments because you see how God is at work in you and in your spouse through your marriage. Your marriage is a blessing to you and to others and I think that you want us to experience that as well. I have no doubt that your intention is to be encouraging. And some of what you say might even be true. But after hearing the same kind-hearted comments a couple dozen times, they start to sound different. After a while, "You should meet my nephew! He's single, too!" starts to sound like an awful lot like "You must not be happy the way you are and God surely didn't intend for you to be this way, so let's fix you!"
Some of the comments that single people tend to hear a lot are just not true: "One day you're gonna marry a really wonderful person! I just know it! You're going to make such a wonderful wife!" Oh really now? How do you know this? God is not obligated to walk me down any aisle. His promises to us (and you) go deeper than that, actually. Real promises like these:
If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. (Romans 10: 9)
Whoever believes in the Son has eternal life; whoever does not obey the Son shall not see life, but the wrath of God remains on him. (John 3: 36)
It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed. (Deuteronomy 31: 8)
And I tell you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. What father among you, if his son asks for a fish, will instead of a fish give him a serpent; or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him! (Luke 11: 9-13)
But my God shall supply you with a spouse according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus.
These promises are about eternal life with Christ. Now and forever. God does not promise us marriage in this life. But he promises us Himself. He promises himself and provides marriage as an illustration of his relationship with us... an illustration that will no longer be necessary when we are in his presence forever. Because marriage itself is never the end goal! Christ is! And He is not reserved for married people!
I should add that questions and advice about singleness are much more fitting in the context of a caring relationship with the single person. The problem is that when the church sees singleness as a tragic disease to be cured, then everyone who is married becomes a survivor and feels qualified to address the trials of singleness with anyone currently "suffering" from it. People who barely talk to me about anything else seem to feel completely comfortable addressing my singleness.
Singleness is not a tragic disease to be cured. Single people are not some kind of strange species, a half-human who, with the help of some prayers, will one day be made a whole person, a true person, a married person. It often feels like that is what the church believes about singleness. But we are whole already. We have purpose already. Walking down an aisle will not make us any more valuable than we already are, for our value, just like yours, comes from Christ and His completed work on the cross on our behalf, not from a ring on our finger.
Singleness, no matter how long it lasts, is not a curse. I do not deny that marriage is a beautiful gift that God has created. But singleness is as well, actually. My prayer is that my singleness, however long it lasts, would not be wasted on wishing that I wasn't single, but rather that it would be to God's glory, for I recognize that being single allows me the time and opportunities to invest in people in a way that married people often cannot. If someday I get married, may God be glorified in my marriage. If for this life I remain single, may God be glorified in my singleness. I pray that God will do with my life whatever will bring him the most glory, whether that be through marriage or through singleness. (Okay, that's only partially true... more often than not my prayer is that He would help me to pray that He would do with my life whatever will bring him the most glory, whether that be through marriage or through singleness. Because, you see, my instinct is to tell God - as if I know more than He does - that He will be most glorified by me being being married.)
I started out by writing this letter to the dear married couples of the church. But somewhere amidst the revisions and drafts, I realized that I was also writing to myself, preaching Christ's sufficiency to my often distracted and misled heart. So, thank you for reading this with me.
Love,
Hannah
Please stop telling single people in the church that someday they will meet a really special person. It's awkward and we don't know what to say, so we usually just nod and smile.
Please stop trying to set us up with your single nieces and nephews and grandchildren and sons and daughters and neighbors and cousins and coworkers and uncles and aunts and god children and barbers and insurance agents and mechanics and personal trainers and bankers and hair stylists and car salesmen and neighbor's uncle's mailmen.
Please stop telling us not to worry, that it'll happen when we least expect it. That you can't believe that we are single. That it's okay to be single, it's really okay. That you had a friend who was single for a really long time, and then she met the most wonderful and godly gentleman. That you're praying for our future spouse and that you just know that it's going to be a really amazing person because good things come to those who wait, after all. That you need volunteers to serve for the couples Valentine's Day celebration and you immediately thought of us.
Just... no.
Stop.
I believe that you say these things because you love us. I think you make these comments because you see how God is at work in you and in your spouse through your marriage. Your marriage is a blessing to you and to others and I think that you want us to experience that as well. I have no doubt that your intention is to be encouraging. And some of what you say might even be true. But after hearing the same kind-hearted comments a couple dozen times, they start to sound different. After a while, "You should meet my nephew! He's single, too!" starts to sound like an awful lot like "You must not be happy the way you are and God surely didn't intend for you to be this way, so let's fix you!"
Some of the comments that single people tend to hear a lot are just not true: "One day you're gonna marry a really wonderful person! I just know it! You're going to make such a wonderful wife!" Oh really now? How do you know this? God is not obligated to walk me down any aisle. His promises to us (and you) go deeper than that, actually. Real promises like these:
If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. (Romans 10: 9)
Whoever believes in the Son has eternal life; whoever does not obey the Son shall not see life, but the wrath of God remains on him. (John 3: 36)
It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed. (Deuteronomy 31: 8)
And I tell you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. What father among you, if his son asks for a fish, will instead of a fish give him a serpent; or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him! (Luke 11: 9-13)
But my God shall supply you with a spouse according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus.
These promises are about eternal life with Christ. Now and forever. God does not promise us marriage in this life. But he promises us Himself. He promises himself and provides marriage as an illustration of his relationship with us... an illustration that will no longer be necessary when we are in his presence forever. Because marriage itself is never the end goal! Christ is! And He is not reserved for married people!
I should add that questions and advice about singleness are much more fitting in the context of a caring relationship with the single person. The problem is that when the church sees singleness as a tragic disease to be cured, then everyone who is married becomes a survivor and feels qualified to address the trials of singleness with anyone currently "suffering" from it. People who barely talk to me about anything else seem to feel completely comfortable addressing my singleness.
Singleness is not a tragic disease to be cured. Single people are not some kind of strange species, a half-human who, with the help of some prayers, will one day be made a whole person, a true person, a married person. It often feels like that is what the church believes about singleness. But we are whole already. We have purpose already. Walking down an aisle will not make us any more valuable than we already are, for our value, just like yours, comes from Christ and His completed work on the cross on our behalf, not from a ring on our finger.
Singleness, no matter how long it lasts, is not a curse. I do not deny that marriage is a beautiful gift that God has created. But singleness is as well, actually. My prayer is that my singleness, however long it lasts, would not be wasted on wishing that I wasn't single, but rather that it would be to God's glory, for I recognize that being single allows me the time and opportunities to invest in people in a way that married people often cannot. If someday I get married, may God be glorified in my marriage. If for this life I remain single, may God be glorified in my singleness. I pray that God will do with my life whatever will bring him the most glory, whether that be through marriage or through singleness. (Okay, that's only partially true... more often than not my prayer is that He would help me to pray that He would do with my life whatever will bring him the most glory, whether that be through marriage or through singleness. Because, you see, my instinct is to tell God - as if I know more than He does - that He will be most glorified by me being being married.)
I started out by writing this letter to the dear married couples of the church. But somewhere amidst the revisions and drafts, I realized that I was also writing to myself, preaching Christ's sufficiency to my often distracted and misled heart. So, thank you for reading this with me.
Love,
Hannah
Comments
Post a Comment